I'm having a lot of trouble with stress lately. Outside my window there is a small dog that barks all the time, I can't concentrate cause its bark is too shrill, and today it was joined by a crying baby. I constantly hear traffic, scooters, my neighbors moving furniture every single day for some reason, there is really no peace and quiet.
I also keep thinking about my thesis. My thesis is crap, and I think everyone will know it and point it out to me at my defense. I have no idea what my thesis question is anymore or how I could 'prove' anything - the authors who's works I'm using as sources didn't prove anything in their articles, and they have PhDs. Most of them don't make arguments either, they just talk about a few things and end with more questions. Is that how a thesis is supposed to be?? I think I'm in deep shit. I am simply not interested in anything anymore; there is no question that I want to find out the answer to. Everything in international studies has no real goal or answer - people continually debate the implications of different events/policies, and these debates make absolutely no difference cause the only people who read the articles are professors. I've read articles on whether or not organizations in China should be termed "grassroots organizations" or "civic associations," - who the fuck cares what they are called?? they never even talk about specific organizations, just "organizations" in general.
I suppose as long as it is long enough and I loosely tie things together, the worst that will happen is I get a C, right? It's only 3 credits anyway, but it feels like it could prevent me from graduating.
Also, my room has ants. I can never find them, but while I'm sitting on my bed using my computer, I occasionally have one crawl across the screen, which implies that the ants are on my bed. I keep looking for them, but I can't find them. I keep taking out the trash, and not leaving food around, and trying to clean my room, but they keep coming just one at a time - showing up on my computer screen or crawling on my arm. It's really disgusting and I am starting to lose patience with how unsanitary my life is here. The floors in the bathrooms at school are wet with water and urine mixed with dirt from people's shoes; my bathroom has grime only a few days after I scrub it down with disinfectant; I get woken up by mosquitoes buzzing in my ear at night; and there are ants crawling on me or my computer screen everyday. All that mixed with the constant noise makes me hate being here. I really want to like it here, but I really want to go home.
